Should You Go to Mediation with Your Narcissistic Ex?

I get asked this question all the time. As a general rule, the answer is a resounding “No”. Mediation tends to not be helpful with narcissists, and will waste time and money that could be spent getting a real result.

Here are 3 things to consider to decide for yourself.

1. Mediators Don’t Care About What is Fair

Mediators mean well. They want to help you and your ex reach a resolution, so you can both move on with your lives. But — the goal of a mediator is not to bring the unreasonable person to the middle to achieve a fair result.

Any mediator will tell you that their job is just to get a deal done. You’ll often hear them say: “If both sides walk away unhappy, I’ve done my job well.”

When dealing with a narcissistic partner, that often means a mediator will view their job as making you bend all the way to meet your partner, even when they pick a selfish and unreasonable position that’s way off in left field — as they often do. Not all of them… but a lot.

This too often means you as the victim will likely end up further victimized — now by the mediator too (in spite of his or her best intentions) when what you were really hoping for was someone to talk sense into your ex.

2. Are They Really Just Trying to Delay?

Remember, Narcissists don’t care what is fair or reasonable.

They care about: (1) what they want, and (2) what they can get away with. (And — They believe that what’s theirs is theirs, and what’s yours is theirs too.)

They also know that you would really prefer to just be nice and compromise to make all the fighting stop. So, narcissists will tend to suggest things like going to mediation (only once you’re already exasperated) because they know you want to hear it. When they do, they know it will renew your hope in a peaceful solution — and delay you taking them to court a little longer (or maybe forever).

They do it to prolong the agony and to continue the push pull dynamic of giving you hope and then taking it away, being nice and then being mean. Over and over.

Usually, even when they finally offer mediation, they won’t actually agree to any real compromise in mediation, or they may allow themselves to be pressured into making some compromise but claim to need time or their lawyers to review before signing — and then never sign on the dotted line.

3. Our Court System is Flawed

Our legal system is called an “adversarial system”. That means, it believes that two equally strong and intelligent lawyers, who fight it out, will eventually yield the truth or the right outcome.

It also assumes people are nice and don’t want conflict, so they will be reasonable and compromise to avoid going to court. Sadly, this is often not true with a narcissist.

Narcissists want to drag out the divorce. They like being able to hold your attention. They like being able to make you keep suffering. They love being able to keep pushing your buttons, make you wait, give you the silent treatment…. they will gladly drag it out forever.

For better or for worse, our court system and the professionals in it are trained to insist on all kinds of cooperative and collaborative processes with the best of intentions (even when they aren’t appropriate or will tend to re-victimize or further victimize the victim.)

They work for some people and not for others. And you should have a realistic sense of whether or not it is likely to help you or hurt you before you agree to it.

If your lawyer or former partner is pushing you to mediation, and you don’t feel it will lead to anything but a waste of time and money, trust your gut and speak up!

4. When Should You Go to Mediation?

Our court systems believe that people should be reasonable. So they think nearly everyone should be able to resolve their differences without needing to go to court.

If you refuse to go to mediation or to attempt to resolve issues without going to court (through settlement, negotiation, mediation, etc.), the legal system may think you are the problem.

There is a fine balance to be struck between — being reasonable in negotiations and holding your boundaries so that the other person can’t waste your time and money to avoid getting to the end or paying you your due. Some mediation can be helpful to understand your exes’ arguments and pain points to help move things forward.

Final Words

Going through divorce with anyone is hard, scary and complicated. Going through it with an ex who won’t play nice is a nightmare. But with the right help and advice, you can move on to live your best life — sooner and happier.

I help people going through difficult divorces get to better results faster.

Ilana Cohen is a lifelong serial entrepreneur, CEO, decorated athlete, corporate (not family law) lawyer, and mother of two.

For more than 15 years, Ilana has been empowering her clients from a place of experience and first-hand wisdom, as she herself has triumphed over a lengthy divorce battle with an abusive partner — an experience she references for insight, but has never let define her.

Ilana’s newest venture, PrepärHub, is the culmination of a decades-long journey into divorce coaching — with A.I. powered tools — that puts you back in control of your divorce, your self-esteem, and your life.

Click here to connect with Ilana directly.