The Abuser’s Handbook- Part II: 9 Forms of Charm that Signal Abuse

In this week’s edition of our series highlighting the manipulation tactics of abusers, we’ll be covering 9 actions that, while charming on the surface, are often hidden signs of abuse (or can suggest that they’ll become abusive in the future).

 

Throughout this series, we’ll talk about a variety of tactics used by manipulators and otherwise toxic people that are often overlooked or dismissed, but should be taken seriously as signs of abuse.

 

These patterns and behaviors can often be spotted within the first hours of meeting someone, which is why it’s so important to trust your gut instinct.

It’s important to understand that you don’t have to be a “victim” to be abused. It’s not just “weak people” who fall prey to that charming-but-overconfident manager or leader in the office who seems to change their mind every five minutes, blame everyone else (but themselves) for their mistakes, and of course…take all of the credit for everyone else’s work.

We’ve all been there before, and can relate to the impossible feeling of navigating these challenging personalities.

It’s one thing to work with them, and another altogether to be in a relationship with them. They’re often the charming, confident guy or gal who enamoured you with their confidence in approaching (or even “chasing” you). You seem to share so many common interests, and they always know just what to say. They really “get you”...don’t they?

The underlying core of abuse is a series of manipulative tactics used over and over again in order to win your affection, or “get” something from you. It could be attention, money, praise, caring, fame, status, power…or dominance and control over you. These tactics grip onto you (like an addiction) and make you feel like you can never leave, no matter how much it hurts (emotionally or physically).

The purpose of this series is to teach you how to spot some of these common tactics. These are BIG red flags (particularly when stacked on top of each other), and have no time limit. In other words, they don’t get LESS serious because you’ve been with someone for a long time…if you’ve noticed repeated and consistent offenses, that is a reason to look even closer and ask:

How does this relationship make me feel? How does it fulfill MY needs? Do I feel like I am getting as much as I’m giving?

Let’s dive in:

Charm Tactics

1.                         Excessive Compliments / Flattery

Toxic and abusive people often come on strong! They are full of flattery and praise.  You can do no wrong.  You are the hottest, best, sweetest, cutest, kindest, strongest, best lover…  The compliments are superlative - not just great, but “THE greatest”. 

They do this to flood you with happy endorphins and make you feel great.  They know that how you feel about them is determined by how great they make you feel. 

A simple way to distinguish healthy from questionable praise is to remember that healthy flattery is relative – “You’re really hot” (good) vs “You’re the Hottest” (flag).  Toxic people have a thing for extremes that can be spotted from a mile away.  

People who speak in extremes often probably are extreme.  If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

2.                         Charm / Charisma

Think Donald Trump, Andrew Epstein – these folks know how to charm a room! (Although some that actually get attention the opposite way, by being a victim, needing you to fix them or hold them up or save them - more on that later).

They are well dressed, well groomed, witty, outgoing, often gregarious.  They seem to have tons of friends and know tons of people, have impressive accomplishments, be amazing at tons of things, can hold up a conversation and make everyone feel good. 

While this can be a really great thing, there are two things to look out for here:  First – if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.  Second, toxic people tend to suck up all the air in the room – they take over the conversation talking about themselves, have opinions that sound more like definitive statements, rarely let others get a word in edgewise, or make jokes at the expense of others.

3.                         Only Being Nice to get Nice in Return 

Have you ever known someone who does something nice (that you usually haven’t asked for) and then makes it clear that because they did something for you, they expect you to now do something they want? Think of the guy who buys dinner and then expects sex… Think of that person who gave you extravagant gifts really early on in a new relationship – too early. 

They may say they don’t expect anything in return, but your gut knows they expect something or want you to feel like you owe them.

While this is sadly pretty common, there’s a special breed who get really mad if you don’t meet their expectations - and can start insulting you, demeaning you, criticizing you (publicly), stalking you or otherwise trying to hurt you, to get revenge. 

Giving in a relationship should always come without any expectation of return, and dating always comes with the possibility of rejection, but toxic people really don’t handle rejection well.  (More on “Narcissistic Rage” later.)

4.                         Love Bombing (BEWARE)

Just like the flattery, have you ever dated someone (guy or gal) who comes on really strong? From the get go they want to talk and text for hours a day, they want to spend tons of time together, they are full of flattery and want to “share everything”, they give gifts, dole out tons of attention, touch a LOT, and have all the time in the world for you. 

It feels great in the beginning to know someone is so into you – you feel on top of the world – this is so exciting!  The endorphins are flowing – and they know it.  Within a few short months (or weeks), they have stuff at your place, they’re there all the time, and they are using those three little words (way too soon! Whoa!).  They want to travel together, they are calling you their “soulmate” or “perfect for them”… in short, you likely feel smothered.

While this isn’t always a red flag of abuse (it can be a sign of anxious attachment), it almost always signifies some form of insecurity – which is always something to be careful of.   While you may think it’s for you, it’s often to “lock you down” or get you to commit quickly, and it comes from their own insecurity that you might leave. 

They also generally can’t keep the act up for very long – a few months?  A year at most before their true colours start to show.  It’s why experts often recommend waiting at least a year before deciding to move in with someone or get married.

This behaviour is incredibly dangerous because it begins the process of “Trauma Bonding” (something like Stockholm syndrome) where you are so chemically addicted to these positive hits from this partner that s/he can now hurt you more and more and all it takes is a little something positive every now and again to get you not to leave in the face of horrific abuse.

5.                         Offer Something in Return (aka “Breadcrumbing”) 

It may not look like a bribe, but have you ever been in a relationship with someone who wants you to do something – so they say – if you do X, I’ll do Y – only they never do Y.  You keep chasing them for it, “Remember you said you were going to do Y” – and they keep answering kindly – they honestly forgot, or they’ve been too busy, or they can’t afford to right now, but as soon as they have some money, or some emergency keeps coming up, or they’re too stressed to handle this right now. 

Somehow these excuses just keep going on forever.  My ex claimed not to have time to file his taxes for 8 years… 

What they are really doing is bribing you to do something even though they have no intention of ever keeping their end of the bargain.  This becomes especially bad when it’s about something like putting conditions on when you can have kids or get married, and they often use another tactic with this one called “moving the goalposts” to just keep inventing new conditions to delay or avoid keeping their end of the bargain.

6.                         Care Taking 

These folks seem so well-intentioned.  From the first date, they are offering to help you with things, doing favours for you, taking errands off your plate, helping pay your bills, offering to walk your dog. 

But what seems like kindness can quickly shift into controlling behaviour – now they really don’t think you should eat that because you’ve had enough already or gained a few pounds recently, or you should be more grateful for them picking up their own dirty socks because of how much they do for you, or you should really wear that other outfit because this one makes your ass look fat, or is too revealing (and you shouldn’t be dressing so slutty for anyone but them), or are you really going to have ANOTHER night out with the boys because they really just want to spend time ‘just the two of you’. 

Before you know it, you never see your friends anymore, you don’t have time for any of your passions (which they think are stupid anyways), they are accusing you of cheating, they are watching your every move, and you can hardly breathe. 

Especially if it gets to the point where they are demanding passwords, checking your message or browser history, or not letting you go out/see certain people, this is psychological abuse.  Please seek help.

7.                         Future Faking 

Isn’t it the greatest feeling in the world when the person you’re with talks about the trips and adventures you will go on together, what a beautiful family you will have one day, what the wedding will look like, how much their friends and family are going to love you, where you will retire to?

These things make us feel safe in our partner’s love for us and intentions towards us. 

But tricksters know this, and they will intentionally say these things to give you that feeling of security to make you trust them so they get what they want from you - before cheating, dumping you, stringing you along or moving on. 

The guy who will tell you he loves you to get some… the girl who will tell you she doesn’t need to have kids so you will keep dating her, they guy who says he can see the two of you getting married and having kids right after you’ve had a fight and are threatening to leave…

If your partner’s actions match their words, and they show you - with their consistent actions and their coherent words and body language (ie. their emotions match their words) - that they are moving towards these future dreams and goals – amazing.   But if their actions and their words don’t align, or their emotions don’t appear to match their words – this can be a big red flag.

8.                         Playing the Victim 

While some folks are great at charming the pants off of you, others get your attention and trust a different way.  These are the folks who you instantly feel bad for – they’ve had a rough life, or a rough break up, or they’ve just suffered some loss – or their life has just been one bad thing after another. 

They are rolling over and showing their vulnerable soft belly, so they must be safe, right? 

While some may truly have just been suffering and have no ill intention, abusers know that when they tell you they need you, they place you in the position of power in the relationship, where you feel safe, important, dominant and in control.  That makes you more likely to trust them - and to feel responsible for them. 

They know that the quickest way to get someone to trust them is to ‘need’ them.  Don’t let that person be you.  Everyone should have healthy boundaries, and everyone is entitled to have their needs met.  That’s why it’s so important to know your boundaries and needs and to be able to enforce them in a relationship.

9.                         Mirroring / Matching 

Mirroring is something that (empathic) people naturally do – when someone you’re speaking to smiles, you smile back.  If they frown or grimace, you do too.  If they lean in over the table to tell you a secret, you lean right in to hear it.

We learn this skill as babies, to develop a bond with our primary caregivers, and we do it throughout our lives to build rapport with others. 

While this is usually a good thing, manipulators do this consciously – not from a place of natural empathy – but to artificially and quickly develop rapport with you.  This is a common tactic used by pick-up artists. 

Keep an eye on just how much they are mirroring, and whether their words/actions/body language match the feelings you would expect them to feel given the situation/context.  When they are not coherent, it can signal a conscious effort to manipulate.

Final Words

Most abusers have a favourite set of tactics that they always resort to, sometimes even in the same order.  If you pay attention, it becomes predictable.  The key to spotting whether these behaviours are healthy or flags lies in knowing your boundaries, what healthy relationships look like, and having some key knowledge to identify toxic behaviours.  

Ilana Cohen is a lifelong serial entrepreneur, CEO, decorated athlete, attorney, and mother of two. 

For more than 15 years, Ilana has been empowering her clients from a place of experience and first-hand wisdom, as she herself has triumphed over a lengthy divorce battle with an abusive partner - an experience she references for insight, but has never let define her. 

Ilana’s newest venture, PrepärHub, is the culmination of a decades-long journey into divorce coaching – with A.I. powered tools - that puts you back in control of your divorce, your self-esteem, and your life.

Click here to connect with Ilana directly.